Bible misquotes

We don’t know the author of the following tale, or even if it is true. We do know it makes us smile, so we’ll share it with you.

Judas Asparagus
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but GOD, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The LORD thy GOD is one,’ but I think HE must be lot older than that.

Anyway, GOD said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then GOD made the world. HE split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed GOD by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden..

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after GOD sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

GOD fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then HE gave them HIS Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. JESUS is the star of The New Testament. HE was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During HIS life, JESUS had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

JESUS also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

JESUS was a great man. HE healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put JESUS on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for JESUS. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, JESUS died for our sins, then came back to life again. HE went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. HIS return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

And now we know.

http://cruisin2.wordpress.com/2013/01/31/bible-misquotes/

OUR SERVANT MASTER

The Son of Man did not come to be served. He came to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many people.” MATTHEW 20:28

As a young boy, I read a Russian fable about a master and a servant who went on a journey to a city. Many of the details I’ve forgotten but the ending I remember. Before the two men could reach the destination they were caught in a blinding blizzard. They lost their direction and were unable to reach the city before nightfall.

The next morning concerned friends went searching for the two men. They finally found the master, frozen to death, facedown in the snow. When they lifted him they found the servant—cold but alive. He survived and told how the master had voluntarily placed himself on top of the servant so the servant could live.

I hadn’t thought of that story in years. But when I read what Christ said he would do for us, the story surfaced—for Jesus is the master who died for the servants.

from AND THE ANGELS WERE SILENT

The Lord Is Peace

God’s peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
PHILIPPIANS 4:7

The Lord came to Gideon and told him he was to lead his people in victory over the Midianites. That’s like God telling a housewife to stand up to her abusive husband or a high school student to take on drug peddlers or a preacher to preach the truth to a congregation of Pharisees. “Y-y-you-b-b-better get somebody else,” we stammer. But then God reminds us that he knows we can’t, but he can, and to prove it he gives a wonderful gift. He brings a spirit of peace. A peace before the storm. A peace beyond logic.…

He gave it to David after he showed him Goliath; he gave it to Saul after he showed him the gospel; he gave it to Jesus after he showed him the cross. And he gave it to Gideon. So Gideon, in turn, gave the name to God. He built an altar and named it Jehovah-shalom, the Lord is peace (Judges 6:24).

The Great House of God

God’s Everlasting Covenants

And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee.” (Genesis 17:7)

The phrase “everlasting covenant” (or “perpetual covenant”) is used no less than 16 times in the Old Testament, plus once in the New Testament. It always refers to a covenant promise of God to man, made in grace, for only He can make an everlasting promise.

The first everlasting covenant was made with Noah (Genesis 9:16), a promise never to send a worldwide flood again, sealed with the sign of the rainbow.

The second is recorded in today’s verse and was God’s promise to Abraham and his descendants. The promise was to give them “the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession” (Genesis 17:8), and the seal was to be the rite of circumcision.

Many of the “everlasting covenant” promises have to do with Israel. Some were stated unconditionally, but others were “broken” because of man’s rebellion against God’s covenant terms. One of the latter was the covenant of the Sabbath. “Wherefore the children of Israel shall keep the sabbath . . . for a perpetual covenant. It is a sign between me and the children of Israel for ever: for in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day he rested, and was refreshed” (Exodus 31:16-17).

The last reference is the most important of all: “Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen” (Hebrews 13:20-21).

by Henry Morris, Ph.D.

Born of God

If ye know that he is righteous, ye know that every one that doeth righteousness is born of him.” (1 John 2:29)

This is the first of seven occurrences of the phrase “born of God,” or “born of him,” in the little epistle of First John. If anyone wishes to know how to recognize one who has truly been “born again,” these seven descriptors are available for that purpose.

The first such test, in our text, is that such a person is one “that doeth righteousness.” The second and third are found in 1 John 3:9: “Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.” That is, he will not practice sin because God’s own nature has been implanted in him.

Another evidence is genuine love. “Love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God” (1 John 4:7). Still another is genuine faith in Christ, which in turn produces genuine love. “Whosoever believeth that Jesus is the Christ is born of God: and every one that loveth him that begat loveth him also that is begotten of him” (1 John 5:1).

Those who are truly born again will not be permanently defeated by the world. “For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?” (1 John 5:4-5).

Finally, “We know that whosoever is born of God sinneth not; but he that is begotten of God keepeth himself, and that wicked one toucheth him not” (1 John 5:18).

The term “born again” is being used very loosely these days, and we need to realize that true regeneration is a permanent, life-transforming miracle accomplished by God Himself in a believer’s life.

by Henry Morris, Ph.D.